why would a 33 year old man behave like this? (long story) im really hurting can you help me out with advice?

i met him several months ago. we hit it off from the get go. we could talk about anything and it was so refreshing because we thought along the same lines from everything to religion to politics and could nearly finish each others sentences. on our first date we went to the mountains and we walked the trails and looked at the waterfalls and just talked for hours and then went out to eat. we were both being silly and laughing and it was great.
from then on things seemed to get better. we slept together after almost 2 months. he was very attentive and even drove a half hour to my town to bring me out to eat when i got a good grade on my nursing exam. we could have fun doing anything even just sitting at his place looking up funny youtube videos. we got into a disagreement over something trivial like me being tired and being a little bit short with him on one of the days we hung out and he dropped me off at my car and completely blew me off and cut communication. i tried to reach out to him and he ignored me so i sent him a nasty text calling him out…
i apologized the next day and sent him a hand written letter with a heart shape leaf that he picked up on our first date and told me to save to remember it, a gift card for his fav restaurant and some candy. he texted me and said he got the letter and he missed me but needed time to think. a week or so went by and he emailed me and said he wanted to cuddle.
i went to his house the next night after class and he brought me for hot chocolate and he leaned over in his truck and held my hand the whole time he was driving. he brought me to a lake and we looked at the christmas lights and he was holding onto me so tight and he said he missed my smell and we just stood there for 20 minutes. then we sat and talked and he said he was glad that we could be affectionate (i was molested as a child) so it took me a while to come around with him. he said thats all he wanted all along was to be close and be able to hug me and touch me. then we went into his house and watched a movie and cuddled and ended up being intimate i told him i loved him and he said “i love you too baby” we made plans to take the train into boston and go to the musuem and see a movie for later in the week and then i fell asleep in his arms and went home the next morning.
he messaged me a smiley face a few days later and said he missed me and then there was silence for days. after nearly 5 days i called him and got no answer. so i texted him and said “im worried i havent heard from you, is everything ok?” he said “i have severe anxiety and panick attacks when i think about you, i dont trust you at all, you remind me of my ex’s that i cant stand our disagreement from a few weeks ago tainted this relationship and fills me with anxiety” i said “do you want to work through your anxiety together” and he said “we should just move on i think….” and that was nearly a week ago and i havent heard a word from him since and his profile is even back on the dating website were we first met. i dont understand how he could become so cold it all seems so random what do you think of all of this?

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5 Responses to why would a 33 year old man behave like this? (long story) im really hurting can you help me out with advice?

  1. Varcan says:

    You have been dumped and he probably already has a new GF. Best to forget about that one.

  2. J says:

    I am no expert on dating but I can advice you on Human mind and interactions.
    He is like a little kid looking for love.
    If you don’t get it look at it this way:
    What do kids do to get Parent’s love and attention? Everything and anything!
    Look at what he did:
    Everything and Anything to make you happy!
    He gave love because he wanted love. I can guess he was a pretty nice guy but, romantic guys tend to be love deprived (To think about it I am like that AHHHH!!!! I NEED LOVE!!! I AM A ZOMBIE!!!)
    So you are satisfied
    But to him his fear is that he isn’t getting that much (He gave) back from you (OR MUCH MORE)
    My theory is that you were comfortable so you became yourself and he was a blanket surrounding you. But you know in cold weather blankets do get cold… And he wanted you to cover him. Sad that is his idea of love covering for each other to the max.
    (I am going to cry now this is really wow… (I am not kidding I want to write a book now))
    Looks like he wasnt satisfied of your love or your reactions
    so he (The blanket) turned cold.
    I am very sorry

  3. Rhythmic says:

    Unless you’re not telling us something from your end, like hows your attitude in general? do you change moods often?

    If not then I’d put my money on that guy being a wacko, it’s painful but you cannot change people they change themselves, he’s very ‘paranoid’ by past events and relationships, at times it might seem like its gonna be ok and then it all goes to hell again… just move on.

  4. quirkykid says:

    because he has issues. Is he a local guy (I am from Boston too)? “Tough” guys can make a decision with their brain to shut off a relationship, regardless whether or not their heart love you. In fact, it is their heart that they are trying to protect. In my opinion, these “tough guys” are actually the wimpiest. So afraid to be hurt that they push people away and end up dating losers that they know they are better than so they won’t get hurt. I might be wrong but this is my instinct. I would believe that he wants to push you away and accept it. It will only get worse. Even if he takes you back this time, you will be on a roller coaster. Every time he feels slightly hurt he will act this way.

  5. stuff and things says:

    Man, that sucks. Wellll putting his picture back on the dating website is a jerk off thing to do, but it may not be the end of the world. It sounds like he has some attachment issues, especially if he had awful ex-girlfriends. We tend to recreate the relationships that traumatized us as children. He may be codependent, which is what this sort of sounds like. Panic attacks are common in codependent people when they are confronted with the possibility of rejection. This is something he will have to work through on his own, but you can be there to support him. My current boyfriend and I had very similar problems when we had been together about 3 months. The problems went on and on for months until I finally told him I’d had enough, he either had to go to Codependents Anonymous meetings and therapy, or lose me forever. To my complete surprise, he actually went to the meetings. He had some very positive experiences there and seemed to take a lot from what they talked about. When we got back together, I was skeptical that he had really changed. But honestly, he’s completely stopped the destructive behaviors. Anytime they start to resurface, he says, “I’m being unreasonable, aren’t I?” And has even continued going to meetings without mentioning them to me until weeks after the fact. He is handling his problems on his own, which is incredible.

    I have to say, it got really bad before we got to the point where he accepted responsibility for his part of our problems. He was so angry and irrational, impossible to reason with, possessive of me, jealous of my friends… He was never abusive, but just kinda crazy at times. He loved me enough to get a hold of himself and return to sanity. He stopped blaming me for the pain he felt from past relationships. His confidence returned and the jealousy faded away.

    I think your guy here is going through the same stuff. He sensed the possibility that you could reject him, so he rejected you first. My suggestion is to ask him to have lunch with you and have a very compassionate conversation about what’s going on with him. Assure him that you aren’t going anywhere, and that you will support him fully while he works on some self-discovery and heals from old wounds that resurface in your relationship. Tell him that you love him, but it is not fair that you should suffer because of his crazy ex’s mistakes, and you are a different kind of girl, a different person entirely. If he can’t accept that, then he’s right, you should move on. It will be his loss. How often does a woman like you come along?