How do you think of this excerpt of my book?

I usually just write a certain part of my book that pops in my mind, and can you guys please read it? I’m eleven, but that isn’t an excuse if my writing is bad. I can take any appropriate criticism for my writing. This is writing from scratch right on here. Hope you like it, oh, BTW, the main character’s name is Mist:

“We’re going to make it though this, Mist, just don’t loose me.” James whispered, his voice still straining.
“I’ll be OK,” I coughed. “Plus, when did you ever worry about someone or express any feelings?”
“I’m not emo.”
I had my cough attack again along with doctors running by my stretcher.
“Just p-promise me that you’ll be OK,” James stammered.
“I wish I had a video camera to take down those words,” I joked, and coughed again. “Yeah, I promise … are you OK?”
“You’re almost dead and you ask me that?” James asked, and then then was stopped outside the double doors by the annoying nurse from last week.
I now understand why many people has died in the ER; it’s so gloomy! White walls, smell of “too-clean”, and faceless doctors trying to save your life. The doctors took out the ten bullets in my body, and, when taking out the eleventh one out, they hit one of my main arteries, and my heart beat started to wear off, and they yelled for the crash cart.
“Charge!” warned Doctor 1.
“Go!” commanded Doctor 2.
My body jolt up lifelessly, and they tried again, knowing in their heads that I wasn’t going to make it.
“Charge!”
“Go!”
Again, my body jolt up, but I was still unconsious.
“Charge!”
“Go!”
It didn’t work. The monitor made the noise Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep meaning that my heartbeat was gone. I died.
*
The three doctors walked out, and saw James, cleaned up now and changed out of his blood-soak clothes, and gave him the bad news. James took it better than he thought.
“You just couldn’t save her?” he asked, but more talking to himself.
“I’m sorry,” said Doctor 1.
*
James was on the way back to the headquarters in the SUV Mist owned when his cell rang. He tapped the “answer” button on the screen, and put it up to his hear.
“Hello.” he answered.
“It’s me, Gabriel.”
“What’s up, boss.”
“How is Mist?”
“Gone.”
There was silence at both ends.
“Bring her body to the headquarters ASAP.” ordered Gabriel.
“What?”
“That’s an order. Take the ambulence. Say it’s a government order.”
James was train not to ask any questions, so he hung up, turned around, and hit the gas.
*
“Hello James, er, and you, sir,” greeted Scott.
“How is the procedure going?” Gabriel asked.
“It’ll take another seven hours, I’m afriad.” answered Scott. “But now, we’re entering in the serum. Are you sure you want to do this?”
“What are the risks?” James asked.
“Either her body rejects the change, and dies, or she develops the new powers smoothly,”
“So she either dies or lives,” James growled.
“Hey, at least you have a chance of her living again!” Scott said back defensively.
James scowled, but just stood there.
Mist was in the middle of the lab, strapped on a bed. All around her were technology and metal, holding things that usually surgeon doctors would hold. What caught James’s eyes was the needle piercing though her flesh, and injecting a purple subsance in her. Mist was now the lab rat.
“This better work,” Gabriel muttered.
“Well, this is a formula that we’ve never tried before. Well, technically not. We just tweaked it a little from James’s injection, since we couldn’t make the exact thing because all was lost.” Scott explained, and started typing in commands.
James was focusing on Mist, not letting anything bad get by his eyes.
“How secure is this?” James asked.
“Procedure? I already told you—” started Scott.
“No, the room.”
“Oh completely. The intruder would have to get throught all those machines to get the Mist!”
“Then how do you get her out? Though those machines?” Gabriel asked.
“No, the machines will got back into the walls or ground and it would be just a normal white room.”
The other two men grumbled a reply, and stood and watched the procedure.
*
Seven hours later, the procedure was almost done because of a small delay of lunch and dinner. Scott, Gabriel, and James was tapping their feet impatiently for the prodedure to be done.
“Five more minutes …” Scott muttered.
“Finally!” Gabriel exclaimed.
Suddently, Mist’s eyes flashed open. The three men jumped, and backed up against the wall. Mist’s head turned, and surveyed her surroundings, and then saw the three guys.
“Let me out of here!” she yelled loud enough so that the three guys would hear her through the window.

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8 Responses to How do you think of this excerpt of my book?

  1. Mackenzie says:

    Wow, I think it’s really good for an eleven year old! There are some grammar problems, but small ones. My suggestion would be too remember to re-read. But I think it’s good. It’s really interesting. It’s got me wondering what happens next, lol.

    I’m eleven, too, and a writer. Your story seems a lot better than mine, haha. Good job!

  2. Joss says:

    Wow, he was shot 10 times, huh, and he’s still able to talk and joke? This part doesn’t sound realistic. Watch one of those hospital reality show (they used to come on TLC) and see how real gunshot victims act when they’re shot and going into surgery.

    White walls, smell of “too-clean”, — the comma belongs inside the quotation marks.

    Your dialogue tags are confusing me, too. Sometimes you do it correctly, and then you do it incorrectly.

    Correct: “Hello James, er, and you, sir,” greeted Scott [the comma is inside the quote marks]

    Incorrect: “Well, this is a formula that we’ve never tried before. Well, technically not. We just tweaked it a little from James’s injection, since we couldn’t make the exact thing because all was lost.” Scott explained, and started typing in commands.
    — There shouldn’t be a period after “lost.” The sentence does not actually end until the word “commands.” Use a comma instead of a period. Again, “said” is an effective word to use. You don’t have to tell us Scott explained, because we know he’s explaining things when we read his dialogue.

    “Charge!” warned* Doctor 1.
    “Go!” commanded* Doctor 2.
    — said is a very powerful, yet silent word. Use it more. It’s invisible to the reader, so you can’t really overuse it. Spell out the numbers 1 and 2. Only use the actual numbers if it’s 10 and above.

    You also have some grammar issues. This Best Answer will help with your dialogue problems. http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=ApK_MOgjKctMd52m6DD07fzty6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20091014100442AAuVDeA&show=7#profile-info-hKjQJNZAaa

    Good luck.

  3. dutn says:

    Breathtaking. Loved it. It intrigued me like none of the others on this site have, or the other reviews i have made for novels such as this. Mist is a great name for a character. In “The People of Orange County”, John’s daughter’s name is Shine.

  4. Trin says:

    there was a tad bit too much dialogue but there arent really a lot of other prologues. show dont tell. careful with your dialogue and make sure to put in little niances that expresses each characters form of talking. maybe they have a certain accent or twang to their voice

  5. Angel says:

    Thanks for answering my question. And I think you did a really good job on your story besides some of the little grammatical mistakes. I’m 13 and I used to write a lot of stories when I was younger but I got some sort of writers block lol. Keep up the good work! :)

  6. Kate says:

    If this is it I feel your putting to much effort into it. Everyone tries to be dramatic and try to have something exciting in the beginning, but they dont have it down, and neither do you. Oh, and btw, i saw your comment on my story. The climax isnt toward the beginning, honey, its toward the middle. The descriptions in your story is using words in all the wrong places, I dont think they flow. Take it slow with the story.

  7. Liz says:

    The idea is good and so is your general flow. A few things:
    -The name, “Mist” makes me think of a garden hose setting. It’s not a name readers can easily relate to.
    -Maybe take the number of bullets down to 4 or 5? What was she doing? Begging people to shoot at her? After two or three shots she’d be down, a scenerio where someone kept shooting at her (8 times) while she was down isn’t as believable.
    -Cut down the dialogue while she’s being wheeled in, I like that she promises to stay alive but the teasing at the beginning isn’t realistic (and those trips don’t take that long- a few seconds at the most)

  8. Kaleigh says:

    Ooo… now I want to hear what happens!
    Anyways, the grammar and spelling other people have mentioned, (and I’m not saying that’s not important, but my mom was all over me about it when I was your age and I HATED it), you need to study how people talk to each-other in different situations. Imagine you’re there, don’t be a afraid to write out the ‘not needed’ details. It makes the story sound more real and alive. I used to rush ahead to the point, I didn’t see the need to explain every little thing, but in the end it really pays off. And now I actually enjoy doing it more than otherwise.
    Don’t stop writing! Keep at it, write every day, dream about it if you have to.
    Good writing!
    Kaleigh