How did you deal with it? I am so conflicted right now. We are not a wealthy family by any means. My granny is 78 and has early dementia. She asks the same questions over and over, hides things, is constantly searching for stuff, forgets recent events (like the death of both her sisters in one year). My mother is alone with this, and can’t be at the house all the time to care for her. I feel like we are betraying her, like we are just dumping her off. I feel sick to my stomach about it. We had home care workers for a while, and they and my gran’s doctor recommended a home.My gran does not want to go. She is devastated. She keeps saying she wants to die!!
It is not a giant nursing home, it is two renovated houses with 9 residents in each home. There are pets in both places, lots of volunteers that come through during the week (musicians, artists, clergymen etc). Can anyone offer me some advice? I just need to know there are others out there who have experienced something similar.
I have been a nurse for 20 years and I have learned that when our loved ones get to the point in there fragile days when we can no longer give them the kind of care they need and deserve, that we are not abandoning them or throwing them away, we are showing them that we do indeed Love them.
Most nursing homes I have had the honor to work in allow family members to visit no matter what time of the day or night the family chooses to come. Most of the time the residents with advanced Alzheimer’s don’t remember that u were there but the staff will. And trust me when I say this that when we lose that Loved one that we visited, and loved there will be no regrets and your conscious will be at peace.
Since your mom can’t care for her, she’s tried to find the next best thing. See how it pans out. If all else fails, hire a home health nurse to care for your grandma at home.
I’m sorry for your family and hope you can come to terms with this decision, Really its gonna be okay. My mother is 73 yrs old , shes had and beat lung cancer and several other debilitating illnesses and is still kicking it,She worked in a nursing home before she got sick, probably about 7-8 yrs ago is when she took sick. We being her children took care of her until “She” on her own told us all she no longer wanted our care. Well we ask her what she wanted us to do because we didn’t have the money for a nurse to do home visits everyday like she needed and with that she says to us she’d be returning to her job she held before she took sick , Now we knew that was impossible because she was in a wheelchair due to a stroke she had sometime during the bout with the cancer.Well she returned to the home she worked in 8 yrs earlier as a housekeeper.Now as a patience, She dearly loves it,She well and still gives every one orders like a drill Sargent.See so things have a way of working them self’s out.. I hope this helps you and yours with your grandmother and experience. God Bless
It may seem strange, but it is often not possible to tend to the needs of people we care about. You could consider visiting on a regular basis. It is likely to be a difficult experience seeing your grandmother decline. She is likely not to remember you or confuse you with your mother. I have been through this with my Grandmother just recently and with my wife’s grandmother earlier this year.
You could also channel you concern into going into health care. How about becoming a Nurse so you will understand and be better equipped to care for you Mom.
after my dad had a stroke, he had to go into a nursing home for inpatient therapy. We had to keep on them constantly because he was unable to use the bathroom etc. They were supposed to be the best around and I ended up taking him out of the home and bringing him back to the house. We hired therapists (medicare helped, so did insurance). In your situation, it is very hard because she does not want to go. It is, however, in her best interest to be kept safe and healthy as can be. You have to think of the quality of life for Granny and you and your mom. It takes a family to make this decision, but I can tell you that you all need to make a firm commitment to spend time with Granny daily. Not only to ensure proper care, but for companionship and love. Please do not just stick her in there and forget about her. It would be devastating to her and will weigh on your soul for the rest of your life. I know it is a hard decision, but you sound like you are on the right path. Good luck sweetie, this is not easy. The home sounds nice by the way, I like the idea of pets, volunteers and a home setting. I wish we had that out here.
Don’t feel lilke you are abandoning her, she is better off where she will get good care and be watched, at home she wuld need 24 hour supervision and that is impossible when you have other things to do and people to take care of. With dimentia they do lots of strange things and you never know from one minute to the next what it’s going to be and all have to be on their toes at all times. It is the way it has to be and just go see her as often as you can and there will be days that she doesn’t kow you at all and this hurts a lot but just pray my dear.
My too, but she died in about four months later. It was a real struggle for my mom and her sister.
Yes, and it is hard, but sometimes a last resort!
Some people need full-time nursing/medical care. It sounds like your Grandma does. Just try to visit her as often as possible.
Hopefully she’ll be able to make a friend or two in there…my friends Grandma got herself a boyfriend in her nursing home!
It’s tough, but remember that they can care better for her needs. Everyone in the family should visit often, and be sure that her needs are being met to your family’s satisfaction. When everyone is satisfied that she is in the best place, then the stress will be less difficult for the family, and everyone will be better off. I went through this with my husband’s grandparents. It was very difficult, but it was so much easier for all of us, knowing that she was being so well taken care of, and that he was not hurting himself trying to take care of her needs. I wish you and yours well.
while our heart breaks for the grandparent you must also remember that your mom did the best she could. Being a caregiver is very hard work and it wears you down as well as your health. I am sure your mom does not feel good about what she had to do. I would always opt to be able to take care of a parent in my own home, but sometimes that just isn’t possible. Spend as much time with your gran as possible…take her on outings.
You are a rare young lady to care for a grandparent like this. Not many do. Bravo and good luck..
YES, when they are SICK
yes i can most definately relate to u i lived with my grandmother for 2 years after she had a stroke she was so bad we was worried and we went to get her help and the doctors said it was starts of alzheimers and dementia together i live with this for 2 years nothing made sense to my family to what my grandma was saying i only had to guess what my grandma wanted 99.9 percent of the time it frustrated everyone and noone would visit my grandma anymore or anything cause she made no sense we was sad but i joked with my grandma sometimes if she didnt make sense and she would laugh we would laugh toghether i enjoyed living with my grandma i took care of her when she was sick she fell a couple of times bad and i helped her noone was there but me and i felt like i was only one with patience to take care of her my mom agreed as well it came to where my grandma was sick and then doctors ordered complete homecare for her and she couldnt afford it at all so we had no chance to keep her at home and i too had to look for a home so my dad and mom put her in a nursing home and we would visit her everyday if not all of us atleast my dad and me and mom mostly and most of the time…. she was upset when we first put her in there but she adapted and then she started doin some stuff but not much my grandma was not a people person but a lovable lady then one time grandma i was told fell and then she had to be taken to the hospital for stiches in her head and then thats when grandma had went downhill she was ok when she was taken back to the nursing home about a week and then she fell again but not to make her go to hospital but it made her stay in bed and then docs came in and gave her morphine and stuff cause she was sore so bad she couldnt do anything use restroom she stopped eating and drinking my grandma LOVED WATER thats all she drank and she drank coffee in the morning with her breakfast but then all day water she then couldnt speak to use i couldnt handle it i would just lose it all granma did was sleep for about um a week and then one morining early she passed away
i was devastated it botherd our family and it still bothers me and my dad about her passing away… i still have dreams about her asking me to get her something or i can just see her talking to me or something its very sad and nowdays i will cruise by the nursing home and i get a terrible feeling in my stomach … i hope this helps and if u need to talk more please contact me Glock310 at yahoo.com thanks i would recommend to spend as much time with ur grandma as possible
My grandparents were both put into a nursing home at the same time – the best advice I can offer is to go and visit the home unannounced, walk around, see the residents and get a sense of the community. Try bringing your grandmother with you and letting her see the benefits of the home.
In cases where constant care is needed, that may be beyond the capacity of any one (and non-trained) family member. Nursing homes can provde your grandmother with a community, and will provide for her needs around the clock without exhausting your mother. It’ll be for the best for everyone. It was for us.
Dont worry I know exactly how you feel… my grandma wasnt even sick, she was just a bit old and had a bit of problems getting around and she didnt want to be in the nursing home either… just try to spend your spare time with her and talk to your mom about it. They can understand….sometimes
Good luck
Even though I have not been in that situation myself, i think I understand. My grandma was 86 y/o and basically handicap. We were discussing the possibility of taking here to a nursing home, but my mother, who is a very traditional person; rejected the idea flat out. However I still think it was not a wise decision. My grandma was not well looked after in our own house. We just didn’t have the knowledge, the time, or the guts it took to deal with her. It was very frustrating for everybody at some points
So I think that very likely your grandma will be better in the nursing home. Try to sell her the idea, sometimes the term “nursing home” scares them, i don’t know, come up with some sort of fancy name, like “retirement community”, or “seniors club”… visit her very often, even arrange for your mother to stay the night for the first week or so, so that your grand ma does not feel abandoned, and she can make a easier transition. Just think that changes are difficult for everybody, and it gets worst, the elder one gets.
Do not feel guilty about this, your mother and you are taking the best decision, given your options. As per my grandmother, she died at home about 3 weeks ago…. would she have lived more, had she been taken to the nursing home?, I don’t know, I never will… but I am sure the question haunts all of us… but then it would probably be the same if we had decided to take her to the nursing home I hope I have helped
First off i am really sorry you are having to go through this it would be tough for anyone. Be glad that you have a caring mother that taught you to be as caring as you are. Second don’t feel like you are dumping her off it would probably a good thing for her where professionals can take care of her and let your mom have a little time off(though i don’t doubt your mother was doing wonderfully). Also the small nursing home is good because your grandmother can get all the personal attention she needs. Try to think positively and if you believe turn to God. Hope things get better!:D
I am so sorry to hear that you are having to go though such turmoil. I can only imagine how difficult it would be to watch your grandmother be placed in a home that way. However, you mentioned dementia. That seems to be a very serious condition to have to deal with at home and by yourself. It would put a huge strain on the entire family. I know it seems like the wrong thing to do, but (like others have already responded) I feel that maybe it is the best thing for your to be under the care of people who are trained to deal with this kind of illness. As others have said as well, there is NOTHING stopping you from visiting her every single day. Take a book and read to her. Talk to her about the past, memories and stories – and the like. It is important for her to feel a sense of family even though she might have lost much of her memory already. Your mother has tried all that she possibly can to do it herself, but this illness seems to have a tendency to take over your entire life. I can only hope that your feelings of guilt subside and you bring yourself to visit her often in the home where she was placed. Take care and God Bless.